Some More Conspiracy Theories

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Since leaking my last round of conspiracy theories, I’ve been on the run from U.S. government. I’ve taken refuge with Assange in the Ecuadorian Embassy, and we’ve collaborated to drop some new conspiracy theories. To be honest, we haven’t got a lot on.

- The entire Mexican drug cartel is made up entirely of undercover cops, but none of them are aware of it.

- Barrack Obama is actually one half of Daft Punk, which is why he’s so cool.

- The reason gay marriage hasn’t been legalised in Australia is because the unrelenting and passionate debate for it proves a perfect distraction from other issues that are equally worthy of our attention.

- Easter has nothing to do with Jesus. It was actually invented by an alliance of dads in order to make awful egg puns every year.

- Despite appearances, when you’re talking to a cat person, their wide eyed stare doesn’t mean they’re paying close attention to what you’re saying. They’re just waiting intently for a pause in conversation so they can mention their cat again.

- Cochlear implants are just robot Yeerks of the Animorphs TV program fame. Basically, they control the minds of deaf people, albeit mostly by allowing them to hear.

- The reason ‘Bananas In Pyjamas’ became animated is because it was too expensive to hire actual bananas to play the roles (bananas are fucking expensive).

- Despite rumours, there isn’t more than one way to skin a cat. There is only one way: sadistically.

- will.i.am has never actually learned, played or physically touched a musical instrument, nor does he know what music is or understand the concept of sound—he is a robot who’s only function is to appear un-melodically in pop songs and un-interestingly on talent shows. His haircut has nothing to do with style, it’s purely a functional feature to lessen brain capacity, therefore heightening his capacity for illogical rhetoric.

- The Australian Government is undertaking drastic scientific research to determine whether ‘The Infinite Monkey Theorem’ can be implemented to create more intelligent government policy.

- Missing flight MH370 is just one massive advert for cruise ship holidays. And the South Korean cruise ship disaster was a supplementary advert for caravanning.

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